A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Randomize
