my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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