Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
