checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
