Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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