i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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