I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
