Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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