I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
