I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
