walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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