After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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