Soap is not a condiment
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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