Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
