i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
