I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
