i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
