So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
