i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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