I wish my penis had an off switch
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
