Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
