One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
