I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
