...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
