I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
