I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Come share oat with me in your robe
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
