Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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