I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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