You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
