Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
