You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
