I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
