hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
