Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
