Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
