he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
