is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
it was like eating out sand paper
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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