You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i already hear my dad disowning me
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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