booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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