I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
