Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
