so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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