he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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