If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
