god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
