I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
