i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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