life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
