Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
