Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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