does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
